My husband and I had energy today. Despite rain, despite a chill in the air that wasn’t there yesterday. He had gotten nine hours of sleep last night and because of that we had energy.

I would never have considered myself co-dependent. It was one of the reasons I struggled with relationships.

Ugh, I’d think, when I couple would pass me by wrapped up in each other. Can’t she handle her own body, her own arm, her own life??

But I also have also longed for a partner. Someone who might think of me and put me ahead of others. Someone who would see me as special and amazing; and I’d find the same feelings toward him.

It’s a strange place to be, and yet common among manner life matters. I wanted something but didn’t want the other thing.

When I met my husband he had a kind smile. He made me feel at ease and made me laugh. I could feel myself unconsciously leaning toward him and didn’t feel like stopping myself.

Alone I would panic. Did he really like me? Did I really like him? Did I want to go down that path of needing someone? Depending?

I will now classify myself as co-dependent. There are things I am grateful he does so I don’t have to fumble my way through it. He is just better at it, or it comes easier to him than to me.

I realized how co-dependent I had become when I took a trip to the west coast by myself. I hailed my own taxi, found the bus lines, discovered the restaurants, checked in and did it all.

And I was just fine.

It’s a slow descent. But when I had the first baby and nursing became my full time job, I think I shoved everything I could toward my husband. My nipples cracked, the baby wailed, I wailed, I pumped around the clock, the only thing I had time for was feeding that gorgeous child and maybe squeezing in a shower.

I am finally starting to come up for air. I’m taking back some of the things I sent his way. Or some of the things we do together. A few days ago we laughed as we shoveled together and the boys played.

Co-dependency is still something I struggle with. I don’t want to be lost if something to happen to my husband. But I also like how we care for each other and take on the tasks each one is better at to make the life of the other partner easier. Toilets? Not his thing. Fixing the door handle? Not my thing.

But every now and again I take on an errand or a job I’m not comfortable with just to make sure I am capable. I can.