Stuck

Just like when my boys were babies I park along the side of the road and linger. Except there aren’t any car naps happening. It’s just me attempting to do something, go somewhere, accomplish something.

But I can’t.

Each place I drive to I stop and wait. Park. Let the van run just as I used to do.

Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can’t I do something.

I try to list of what might be going on. Hormones? Sick kid at home (again). Gray days (again). Is this depression sneaking it’s way through my days?

Stuck.

I wish I could explain. I wish I could understand. I wish I could find something that would wipe me clear of this feeling but instead I remain – stuck.

This morning an energy of fury coursed through me. There was no value or reason for it. Yes, we were late. Yes, it was gray again. Yes, my middle complained of being too sick to move (but later moved just fine). Yes, yes. But fury? That felt a bit extreme.

I took deep breathes and let them out slowly. Later I took a long hot shower and allowed all the steam and heat to wrap itself around me for longer than I needed.

The fury remains. It adjusts itself, clears it’s throat, but remains.

So I wait for the cloud to lift. In my car. On the side of the road. Wishing there were children napping behind me. At least then there would be some validation to my entrapment.