He Carried Me

I’m visiting my oldest brother. It gives me an opportunity to connect with someone who carried me around when I was small.

We were sharing stories of our childhood with our boys today and my brother brought this up to his son.

“Did you know I carried Aunt Kate around when she was a baby?”

I stopped and looked at my brother. Did he really carry me in his arms as I carried his own son when he was born? Did he really hold me close as I have snuggled my own boys day after day, night after night?

For some reason the image struck me as significant.

My brother and I haven’t seen each other in many months. We used to live in the same home, then for awhile the same city, and years later the same state. He now lives in Oregon and I still live in Minnesota.

I like having him in my life. A phone call or FaceTime here and there. A visit every few months. It’s the shared history, yes, but it’s also the ability we have had to change and adjust our relationship as we have grown and changed in our own selves.

I look at my own boys and see that I made the choice (and had the ability) to add brothers to their lives. It was because I value what I had growing up, the good and the bad. My siblings all helped me become who I am today.

I want my boys to someday look at their brothers and see in their eyes what I see in the eyes of my own brother’s. Someone who remembers the stories I have forgotten. Someone who can tell me he carried me around when I was small. Someone who can stand back and say, “you have become a person I still want to talk to, laugh with, and visit with.”

I know not every sibling gets along or stays tied to their siblings as they grow and change. Sometimes politics or life choices are simply too divisive. Or perhaps they never got along to begin with.

But I have always loved the dynamic of siblings bound together through no choice of their own.

Who was thrown into your family? Is it a brother or sister you might have chosen if you could have? Or someone who made you better because they challenged you?

And somehow we siblings grew up alongside each other, found our own way apart, and returned to each other again and again just to make sure of who we were, and get clear on who we are.